A little respect

It seems I have been out of the loop.
Maybe I've been sitting under this rock for too long.
The world may have changed.

A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to a popular radio station when a song with somewhat disturbing lyrics, at least from a linguistic point of view, came on the air. You've probably heard it too. "Sexy Bitch". The artist starts by saying how he wishes to describe his lady friend in a respectful fashion. Now there is a plethora of words to do just that : pretty, beautiful, stunning, gorgeous. You can even add adjectives : My girlfriend is drop dead gorgeous! See, respectful, and more importantly, coherent.

So there you have it, maybe some people are now referring to girls as "bitches" and maybe those girls are falling over saying "Oooh mister, you're so respectful", but I'm having none of it. If the world is changing, I'll gladly stay in the past.

Go have a listen to "Hot panda", my newest discovery. No bitches in their songs.

Okay, I'm irked

Since I haven't written anything here for a good while now, it's very probable that only one person will read this but I'm going to send it out there anyways because, you know it, I'm irked.

What irks me you are no doubt asking yourself?

The Conservative Party of Canada is what.

It's hard for me to be unbiased in these tumultuous times, so I won't be. I'm not very happy about the results of the last election. I'm not happy that the liberals didn't fare better than they did. I'm not happy that I had to hope the Bloc fared well enough to bloc (pun intended) the conservative vote and I'm not happy that the Conservatives fared okay enough to get a renewed mandate. I'm also irked that Stephen Harper, whom I consider to be some sort of political genius is batting for the other team (no no, not that other team, the other political team).

Lets get things clear; Canadians did NOT want another Conservative government, they just didn't have a choice. 59.1 percent of eligible voters cast a ballot and out of that, 38 percent voted for the Conservatives. So basically, the current government owes it's enhanced minority to 22 percent of eligible voters.

In my humble opinion, most Canadians didn't want to vote for any of the parties. Voter apathy is what the Conservatives owe their enhanced minority to. They can claim as long as they want that Canadians gave them a stronger mandate, it's not going to make it more of a reality.

I feel better now.

Lion taming tip # 72

Trying to teach your lion about elections is pointless; he's the king of the jungle, he couldn't care less about how we silly humans decide who's going to be in charge.

Leaving two wheels behind

The Ottawan had been young. Heck, he had been really young some years ago. Some would even go as far as saying that he was once a baby and that he did babyish things. Others would call such comments rubbish. The Ottawan, with his thinning hairline and his tall body, could never have been younger than fourteen or fifteen, and you could take that to the bank.

But he had been young. And when he was young, much younger than he was now, he had never wanted an automobile. He had wanted a fighter jet. Of course, the fact that his dear mother told him that she could not not afford to buy him little gifts at the supermaket made him realize quickly enough that it would be a long time until he could have his fighter jet. Yes, though he was young, he was savvy about these financial matters. So he shifted his attention to something a little more attainable. Motorcycles! Not just any kind of motorcycles. Sportbikes! He loved them.

He wanted one. He needed one. His mother wouldn't hear it. Too costly. She was right he would later realize. A meal on the table is much more useful and much less deadly, at least in her very capable hands, than a very fast bike.

His longing eventually got pushed back to a small corner of his mind, staying put for sometimes years at a time. But every now and then it surfaces, as strong as ever. He gets the urge to look at bikes. He doesn't even look at the newer models anymore. He knows what he wants, and he knows what he'll buy before he works up the skills to buy that one. In a couple months time, his car lease will come to an end and he'll be giving back his primary mode of transportation, and his wallet will all of a sudden become much fatter. Fatter than it has ever been. Some of that fat, he's thinking, could very well serve to buy him one of those machines.

He has been talking about purchasing one for a good ten years now, he's wanted for fifteen, ever since he first laid eyes on one. And he's never been closer to having the ability to have one.

It's important to have dreams, but it's also so much fun to fulfill them.

Good night dear readers.

Get the podcast for this week's Vinyl Cafe! Just get it! There's an old man bungee jumping. You can't beat that for radio entertainment.

Comeback

Good evening to you.

Yes you.

No, stop looking behind you, it's you I'm writing to.

I hope this was a grand day for you. And if it wasn't grand, I hope it was at least good. And if it wasn't good, I hope it wasn't terrible. And if it was terrible, well I hope tomorrow will go better. And if tomorrow doesn't go better, then consider talking to someone about it. One really shouldn't have more than two terrible days in a row.

Anyways, this more or less marks my comeback from a month long break. I'll try to keep the posts coming. If anyone's out there, I hope you'll enjoy them.

Lion taming tip # 1026

If your lion starts chewing on your slippers, don't let him play with the neighbor's dog anymore.

Canadia

In the year 2056 the US has declared war on the Ipampilashians and has sent the American armada to destroy their planet. Canada is the only country siding with the Americans. Canada has sent it's only ship, The Canadia, in support of the American mission but the Canadia is not a warship. It's a maintenance ship (they change light bulbs and plunge toilets). Max Anderson is the first American ever to be stationed on the Canadia. He was put there by the American admiral (his mother) to toughen him up but keep him out of any real danger. The only thing that Max and the crew of the Canadia agree on is that no one wants him there.

This is the premise of Canadia 2056, a show which apparently took up Afghanada's timeslot on CBC radio one.

I've been listening to it for five minutes now and its pretty funny.

Dial in and check it out.

Fridays at 11:30 (NT) and Wednesdays at 11:00 (NT).

Books at large

Were you at the Bridgehead Coffee House located at the corner of Albert and Bank about two weeks ago? Did you have a coffee? Did you enjoy a piece of cake? Did you pick up one of the books left there by bookcrossers. Did you read it?
Had you ever heard of bookcrossing (www.bookcrossing.com)?
I must admit that giving away a book wouldn't be a very easy thing for me to do. I am very selective about the books I purchase and tend to reread the few ones I own every now and then. But I also think that the world would be a much better place if everybody took up one of the fictional writings of Douglas Adams. Okay, maybe I'm pushing it a little, but they are still quite amazing. So imagine if you found a book on a park bench and it turned out to be the greatest thing you'd ever read. I think that would be neat. Maybe I'll try to find used copies of the books I'd like others to read and release them just for kicks. Just to see how far it could travel. Maybe I could leave it in an airport.
So start looking people, there are books out there and the next book you read could be the one you find in an unlikely place.

Christmas tour (fixed)

On Saturday night, accompanied by my girlfriend, the lovely Quartz, I made my way to the NAC to see the Vinyl Cafe live.

Stuart McLean was awesome. The stories were awesome. The little live radio drama was awesome. The whole night was awesome.

Danny Michel was amazing.

We had great fun.

If you have the chance to see a Vinyl Cafe show, please go. The youngest person there was four and the oldest was ninety-four, so however old you are, you won't feel out of place.

Boarding

Oh, and another thing. The lady who called "all aboard" about six times before the departure of the train to Toronto at the Montréal station was far too unenthousiastic to my taste. "All aboard" should be called with gusto. It should be "ALL ABOARD!". Had I been due on that train, I would have seriously reconsidered my trip. Well, not really, but still.

Buses, trains and automobiles

I find myself apologizing once again to you, dear surfers for my infrequent posts. These are busy times and I don't find myself in front of a screen very often.

But on this glorious afternoon, time I have.

I find myself in New-Brunswick once again, for the fourth time this year. Fifth if you take into account that I left from my last Christmas trip after New Year's. This time, I did not come by car because driving for 11 hou rs straight in weather that always gets stormy when I need to such a trip just isn't as fun as it used to be.

This year, I took the bus to the train station and I took the train, or the train station as a cute little four year old kept calling it, to New-Brunswick. Assuming that you're able to sleep in a seat that is definitely not designed for that purpose, the train is a great alternative to taking the plane. You roll at night so you don't lose any daytime, and it's much cheaper.

Upon arriving here, my mom picked me up and I started the car leg of my journey. It lasted five minutes and was uneventful.

So there you have it friends. Buses, trains and automobiles. A trip that started at 1:50 yesterday afternoon and ended at 9:30 this morning.

Stay tuned for a report on the Ottawa stop of the Vinyl Cafe Christmas's tour. If you didn't see it, start regretting it now, it'll save you some time.

Happy holidays everyone.

Regulars

I realize that I have been a poor host; that you come to this page hoping to laugh a little, learn a little, or just to kill time, and that I have provided you with little means to do that lately. But do not despair. I can assure you that my head is full of crazy thoughts just waiting for a spot on this page. I just have to sort them all out and find a good way to introduce them.

I like this. Writing for everyone and no one. Think carefully about what I'm going to write next. You may know me. To this day only a couple of people know that I'm the author of this page, and I intend to keep it that way. So I could very well be one of your friends, one of your colleagues, one of your circus-mates. Isn't it exciting?

Pencils and erasers

We've all used them,

Pencils.

Some of us use them everyday, some of us use them on occasion, some of us haven't held one in our hands since finishing (or dropping out) of high school. After all, pens are much cooler than pencils.

Today I realized something very important, maybe. The makers of those generic yellow pencils with the little pink erasers are jokers. Really they are. They make fine pencils, pencils you could write all day with provided you have a pencil sharpener handy. But ever try to use the other end of it; the little pink nub that's supposed to make your mistakes dissapear? Of course you have; we all have. And surely most of us have regretted it.

Lets face it people, the pink erasers that come attached to the end of wooden pencils are practically useless. I don't say completely only because they do allow you to smudge your writings beyond recognition, which could be considered as erasing. But nobody wants smudges.

My question is why?

Why do pink erasers never work properly?
Why do manufacturers put them on the end of their pencils anyways?
I just thought of this, but why, if the pink erasers are made to erase use with a particular type of pencil or a particular type of paper, is that not clearly indicated on their packaging?

Because most of us will never stop trying out the little pink erasers when a trusty white one isn't available, which happens more often then you'd think, pencil manufacturers are jokers. They might also be the devil, but that's debatable.

Take care.

R.

Lions and Christmas trees

The first of December might not be an official date of any sort, but for many people around the world, it marks the official start of the Holidays. I say official because in Consumerland, which we all live in, the holiday season seems to begin when Halloween ends. On December first, people can finally let loose and do what they've been wanting to do for about two weeks: put up the Christmas tree.

I myself have never had a Christmas tree. It always seems unnecessary as I live alone, don't spend a lot of time at home and usually spend Christmas week at my folks' place. I do love Christmas though and always relish the sight of a decorated house.

This year, things went a little differently and I got to open the holiday season with my girlfriend by putting up her Christmas tree. It had been about six years since I'd last participated in such a ritual and I loved every moment of it.

Saturday night, I watched the tree glow and shine of its many lights and ornaments. I watched it as it glowed. I watched it as it shone. I watched it as it jingled a little. I watched it as it jingled a little more. I stopped watching it and went to remove from under the tree the cat which was causing the jingling.

Christmas time for pet owners is like war. Pets try to play with the giant pet toy which their owners have set up for them and owners look for ways to keep their pets out of their biggest Christmas decoration other than hiring a border guard.

If you have a lion, good luck...

Life's lessons

When nothing bad has happened to you in a while, you start to forget that bad things can happen if you're not careful
I believe that when you reach that point, Life sends you little warnings to remind you that the fan isn't too far away and that nasty stuff can hit it in the time it takes you to say "what the?".

Most of the time I can appreciate Life's teachings.

But when life decides to remind me that I shouldn't drive so fast in icy conditions, I really wish it wouldn't do it by letting me slam into a sidewall and, in the process, putting the health of my girlfriend at risk.

We were lucky last night and I've surely learned my lesson, but Life could've waited for me to be alone in the car.

Because every medium is worth trying, I will plead to Life here.

Hurting me is fair; I'm the one who's being careless. Hurt me as much as you like until I've learned what I need to. But please leave my loved ones alone. They have nothing to do with my irresponsible behaviour.

I truly hope that this accident has saved me from a more tragic one.

Be careful kids, you're not invincible and Life's watching.

Parades and candy

When the lady handed him a handful of Christmas canes, telling him to "pass them along", she most likely didn't realize how weird it would look for a man not participating in the parade to be offering candy to kids.

Advertising

Okay, so I'm not a big fan of advertising, but I accept it as a part of regular life. Unless you walk around with eyes and ears shut, you just can't avoid it. But trying to use me as a means of advertising is unacceptable.

Those of you who visit this page periodically might have read the comment left by señor CresceNet five days ago. You might also have wondered why this person was leaving a comment in Portugese to an English post. And those of you that can read Portugese might also have wondered why someone would respond to that particular post by suggesting that I check out an ISP.

What you might not know is that he left a very similar comment about a month ago, when I was having Internet woes. At that time, although he was clearly advertising, I thought he wanted to help and my mind liked the fact that a total stranger who didn't care if I spoke Portugese or not was willing to lend me a hand.

Now I'm in a better place, and in this place I cannot allow myself to become a billboard.

I feel though that I can' t just delete comments without giving prior warning that I am moderating them.

So here is the warning: You, people of the Web, will be allowed to comment on anything written on this blog. However, and this is important, no advertising will be allowed. (suggestions concerning bands, surfing equipment or lion taming products will not be considered advertisments).

Fun facts about lions # 2

Lions most often roar at night; the sound, which can be heard from a distance of 8 km, is used to advertise the animal's presence.

Lyrics that make you go wow (edited)

He's still accomplishing all of his goals and dreams
He's met a girl who gives him joy like he's never seen
Life's fillin' in with the best of friends, he's happy.

I know it doesn't look like much, but when you hear the whole thing and the singer gets to that part, you just go "Wow". Well, I do anyways.

Quite honestly, sometimes artists just amaze me, not only with their lyrics, but by the way they arrange them.

Cats and toilets

Does your cat drink from the toilet?
Does your cat drink from the toilet and not move when you come into the bathroom?

Do you ever go to the bathroom at night?
Do you ever go to the bathroom at night, feeling groggy and not wearing your glasses, which renders you essentially blind?
Do you ever go to the bathroom at night, feeling groggy and not wearing your glasses, and not bother turning on the lights because you want to stay groggy?

Trust this blogger, if you have a cat that drinks from the toilet and doesn't move when you come into a lit bathroom during the day, don't count on it to move when you come into a dark bathroom at night. Move the cat. Four out of five times, you might be moving air, but know that those times your hands make contact with your furry friend might save you from making contact with it with another part of your body.


Lion taming tip # 23

If your lion takes to drinking from the toilet at night, teach him to lock the door; your guests would not appreciate getting knocked out of their grogginess by coming face to face with a lion.

Bunnies

He and Bunny drove home, Dave behind the wheel, and Bunny strapped in the passenger seat. Halfway home they switched.

When I hear this, I laugh out loud, even when I'm walking on a crowded street. : )

Hardships

Ever get the impression that Life, yes Life with a capital L, is laughing at you in your face?
I say laugh right back at it.

The level of Zen I'm demonstrating these days by not getting angry in highly frustrating situations is so amazing that I could start levitating soon and not be surprised at all by it.

I'm discovering more flaws with my apartment almost every week, but am still determined to stay at least a year because I hate moving and I also hate the expenses that come with this highly overrated activity.

For a couple of years now, the only things that could get me really depressed was moving into a new apartment and large purchases that left me unsatisfied. Today, I'm proud to say that, with the help of my lovely girlfriend, I'm getting used to the idea that an apartment is only a temporary living area after all, and that I really shouldn't worry too much about the small things I don't like about it.

With just one thing left to throw me into depression, I think I can laugh with life, I know in a couple of years I'll be laughing at all the irritating things I'm living right now anyways…

Giving thanks

Online shopping is great. Its allowed me to get my hands on various products unavailable in my part of the woods and on some others that were selling much cheaper elsewhere.

One drawback though is the lack of human interaction. You'll get no smiles from your computer when you purchase electric legwarmers over the Web.

I'm pretty used to this by now and I never pay much attention to the thank you page that usually appears after I've completed an order.

But today, when I opened an email from the online music store I just bought a CD from, I was amazed.

Here is what was written:

Your CD has been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves withsterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.
A team of 50 employees inspected your CD and polished it to make sureit was in the best possible condition before mailing.
Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell overthe crowd as he put your CD into the finest gold-lined box that moneycan buy.
We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole partymarched down the street to the post office where the entire town of Portland waved "Bon Voyage!" to your package, on its way to you, in our private CD Baby jet on this day, Wednesday, October 31st.
I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby.
We sure did. Your picture is on our wall as "Customer of the Year."
We're allexhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Now doesn't that make you feel all warm inside?

Of course there might be a touch of exageration in the steps stated above, but just the fact that someone took the time to write such a thoughful and funny email amazes me.

Go to cdbaby.com and buy something, anything. I'm pretty sure you won't be rewarded by such gratefulness anywhere else.